*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
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Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
adam and eve had first world problems
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
finally
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.