@DaHess1: Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
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@beefman138: [At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe] Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
@WilliamRodgers: Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don't have Cancer! Me: So it's working...
@Prof_Hinkley: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Off duty cop: No *cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro* You're driving great, pal
@AnniemuMary: Me: ...at aol dot com Cashier: at a...? M: at aol dot com Cashier: at ao...? Me: at aol dot com Cashier: Ma'am, are you crying?