@DaHess1: Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
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@click4amanda: Officer: "Do you know why I'm standing here?" Me: "You got all C's in High School?"
@causticbob: I've been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA. I'm not making a lot of progress.
@WilliamAder: I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning's office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
@AndyRichter: If you're not carrying around matchbooks from places you've been recently I don't know why you don't want your murder to be solved