Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
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Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?