Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
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*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Why I divorced her.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.