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*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My last name is Zilla.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*