Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
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parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My love language is deader than Latin
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.