“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
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Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
relationship goals
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
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