Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
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Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour