Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
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I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Is….Is this an option?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
there has never been a better use of this meme
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.