Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
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uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Real House Wines.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
a public service announcement
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me