Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
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ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.