Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
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Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
12653.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.