“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
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No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful