Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
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*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.