God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?