WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
You Might Also Like
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Fidel Castro was alive?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
HELP 😭
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Why font matters.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance