WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My background check bounced.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured