@JustEnduring: WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.
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@DanMentos: "So Dave died" Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things "Both. it was a suicide pact" *dave walks in* hey guys
@ShutUpThatsWho: HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it ME: [trying to impress her] I've murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
@TheBoydP: Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do. Me: ok *Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*