I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
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It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.