@JustEnduring: WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.
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@novicefather: This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me. That's the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.
@Reverend_Scott: [kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. "Daddy, where do babies come from?" Amazon. "Why's it take 9 months?" Shipping. Go to sleep.
@dafloydsta: *goes to bathroom *takes out phone *opens Twitter *finishes *pulls pants up *flushes *forgets to poop
@AnOrangeSNES: Please follow the instructions 1) Read all instructions 2) Sacrifice a goat 3) Cut off your fingers 4) Eat glass 5) Only do number one