Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
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My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Care for your back
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae