*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
You Might Also Like
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Breaking news:
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy