Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
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Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?