In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first