War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
How dramatic are you?
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.