[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
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My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
When you’re Kinky but poor
This is my bus stop.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.