warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
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The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
What the hell happened here.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.