WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.