me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
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my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.