Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
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“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.