ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
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[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
what day is it?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.