Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
You Might Also Like
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
yeah no that’s fair
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”