Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.