Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I want to meet the individual who made this
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.