Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
This could be us but you eatin’
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson