Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
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My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I have a black belt in leather
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces