was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
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me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I’m not stressed
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.