@JohnHilsen: Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn't believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
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@JohnFugelsang: Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
@DosieDoe: US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
@ericsshadow: [wearing a 'World's Greatest Dad' t-shirt while talking to the bartender] "The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8."
@ClichedOut: My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I'm being sued. My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.