Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
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It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bubl茅 bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBL脡: Are you getting in or what?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that鈥檚 been there since I was 5.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My kid told me whenever I don鈥檛 wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we鈥檙e playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte馃檮
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
6: you鈥檙e going 75
Me: I am, but it鈥檚 the speed limit
6: that鈥檚 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That鈥檚 almost 100!
Me: 鈥lease don鈥檛 tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I鈥檓 still glad to see you though.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Surround yourself with people who don鈥檛 make you sage your home after they鈥檝e left.