Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
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Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
“Sheer Arrogance”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.