Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I’ve had worse
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please