“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
You Might Also Like
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.