Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
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[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.