CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
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[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.