I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
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The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
no such thing as a dumb question
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I love twitter
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!