*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.