Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
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My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I’d hang this in my house.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*