@bridger_w: If I had a dog I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" and then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we'd laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

@AudreyPorne: a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she's muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

@squirrel74wkgn: My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

@DailyMemeSuppIy: Finals come around and now you like the library? Name 3 of their songs

@bonniemcfarlane: Guys, freedom of speech doesn't mean you can spell things any way you want to.