@SandyPeterz: Whenever I have a twitter break, I check my job.
@mjkspeaks: [girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
@internetluke: [showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
"You named your daughter Jack?"
Nope, mittens
@bornmiserable: [Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
@WakeVII: Parents: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Parents: Mom and dad.
Me: Mom and dad who?
Parents: Exactly, you're adopted son.
;'(
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