Wasps: bees, but not helping
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-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
pizza
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.