Wasps: bees, but not helping
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Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.