It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Bringing home a sharpie
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆