Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I didn鈥檛 even know this was an option. Considering it.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Jesus鈥檚 ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn鈥檛 have access to my account information.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I鈥檓 naturally funny because my life is a joke
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Trump: 馃幎 Do you wanna build a snowman? 馃幎
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 馃幎 Ok byeee 馃幎
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I鈥檓 making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.