WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
You Might Also Like
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.