Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
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Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
He is just living hist best little life 😊
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.