Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
You Might Also Like
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
sigh
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!